first of all...i hate little boys. not babies or toddlers but any male from ages 9 - 15. they are the most annoying creatures alive, next to insects and rodents a'course. we had probably ten of them in the end of the pool next to us, and i thought i was going to jump in and drown them all. the last thing i heard one of them say (before being driven out by the too-touchy-feely teenage couples that had migrated from their seat (yes, singular for each couple) into the kiddie corner) was "i'm going to invent an underwater camera, dude." apparently he's too young to know about the lesser-known companies i like to call kodak and polaroid. don't tell him about them though; he thinks he's on to something. to help him perv around underwater as well as on dry land.
second of all...it's a bird, it's a plane, it's IT'S underwater superman! that's right, folks. he swims at veterans public pool. he is about 3 and 1/2 feet tall. he has just passed his swim test to get out of those floaties that are so not superman-cool. and he still pees in the pool.
third of all...people should not be allowed to wear street clothes directly from the street into the pool. i don't know where your skanky jean skirt has been (or what's on it). or how long it has been since your kid's diaper was changed. (but i can tell by the sagage that it was at least 2 - 3 pees ago.) if you don't have a real lined spandex bathing suit or swim trunks, stay home and spray yourself down with the neighbors' hose. (don't think we don't know you won't use your own water; then you'd have to pay for it.) don't wear tank tops over your bikini tops; don't think substituting basketball shorts for board shorts is okay; don't, i repeat, DO NOT not wear something underneath your white tall tee, cholas. (Q. why did the chola get pregnant? A. because her teacher told her to go home and do her essay/esse.*) it just isn't right. if you can afford the $3 it costs you to get into the pool, you should be able to spend the $5 it would cost you to buy proper swimwear at the local walmart.
fourth of all...if you are barely old enough to drive and still not old enough to buy cigarettes, you should not be sharing a chair with your scantily-clad, lubed-up boy/girlfriend. i don't want to see you bumping your special parts together while i'm optimizing my melanin. eww.
fifth of all...do not wear hoop earrings, bangle bracelets or puka shell necklaces to the pool. particularly do not wear them if you are the lifeguard. i do not feel better perhaps having to place my life in your hands just because you have accessorized your fanny pack and life preserver.
sixth of all...when it is too hot to NOT go swimming, that means it IS too hot to chainsmoke.
last of all...if you are chubbier than the friend you just pushed into the deep end, you should not do a victory dance on the edge of the pool. especially if you are in a skimpier bathing suit than said friend.
and breathe. the tirade is over.
until next time.
*joke courtesy of my beloved husband, chola-hater morgan
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