when we took gretchen for her very first appt the week after she was born, and kris read over the hospital reports and actually witnessed one of the the choking-gagging episodes, she diagnosed gretchen with reflux. she rx prevacid, instructed us to have gretchen sleep at an incline and ordered an apnea monitor. talk about the ultimate baby monitor. yea! our little goose would be safe and we would be alerted should anything happen. and boo! our little goose would be sleeping in a bed by herself. (one of my favorite things about new babies is getting to snuggle their warm bodies while they sleep, to feel their soft breaths on my skin.) the thought of our not even 8lbs babe in a bed, all alone was pushed from my mind at the thought of something possibly happening to her. that isn't to say i didn't cry the first night she slept with the monitor. (it was also the night i found out my little cousin levi had died, so i was suuuper emotional anyway.)
the first night i was home alone with all the kids, when mor drove up to the airport to get my mom, the monitor alarmed for a low heart rate. i snatched that baby right out of her bassinet like it was on fire and didn't put her down until after mor and my mom got home. i'd take any number of false alarms for a single legit one.
the monitor alarmed a few more times in the intervening weeks, because it got unplugged or gretchen had wiggled enough to move the sensors.
and then monday, 29 dec happened.
it was just after 2a, we'd all been sleeping well. gretchen had been up to nurse at least once after we put her to bed around 10p. and then the alarm sounded. i rolled over and saw it wasn't the sensor light that was on; it was the lung light. she wasn't breathing. i pushed the button to turn off the alarm and put my hand on her chest, shook her and said her name over and over. finally, FINALLY! after what seemed like forever, she startled and i heard a deep, shaky intake of breath. i sat on the side of the bed for a while, in the stillness, watching her belly go up and down, up and down, listening to her soft sighs, scared to fall asleep again.
the next morning, mor asked if the alarm had gone off in the night. how oblivious men can be! i cried when i told him what had happened. i cried pretty much throughout the day, whenever there was a quiet moment. i tried to not let there be too many, and it helped a ton that e and matty and the kids surprised us by showing up at our door mid-afternoon.
i'm writing all this on the night before gretchen's 4mo appt. dr later will most likely have us discontinue the monitor. and i'm terrified again. i've learned to sleep because of the trust i have in that monitor. i've been scouring the internet, searching for something to replace it. until we have something, i don't think i'll be getting much sleep. but, i'd give up a hundred thousand hours of sleep to keep getting to hear those soft sighs.
15 February 2015
a name and a blessing
mor and i went a couple rounds about when we should bless gretchen. he thought we should just do it during our regular sacrament time, 9a; i thought we should do it after all the wards had met, 4p or later. after discussing this with several other parties, i liked what kelly had to say best : a baby's blessing day should be peaceful and easy, for everyone. waking up and having 5 people ready to go and out the door before 2 of those people are even usually awake would not make for a peaceful or easy day. we got it sorted out with the bishop to bless gretchen the sunday before thanksgiving, 23 nov, at 4:30p. that gave me all morning to get some treats made (pumpkin chocolate chip bars and chocolate chip cookies), for everyone to shower, for jones to nap...peaceful and easy.
gretchen wore my blessing dress, bonnet and booties, and i don't think i've ever seen anything more beautiful.
for the record...
mor, gpa mike, david hawley, bart jolley, gary, ben and dave wall, chad duford, adam miner, nate sorensen, bishop berneau were all in the circle.
for the record...
me, mor, finners, jones, gpa mike and gma gloria, georgette, emily and thomas rowley (david had church mtgs, sarah was in missouri with cousins), david and leslie, bart, gary and ellie, amy and sam (shad had to work and kelton had home teaching), ben and brit (eli, blake and griffin), dave and lucy (addie, gavin, hudson and brixton), chad, kam, ruthie and andrew schiess (steve had to work), adam and erin (milo, logan and reagan), nate and bethie, lisha, edmund and anna wood (richard was deployed in romania), bishop berneau were all in attendance.
for the record, gretchen was blessed to...
...be a peacemaker and example to her brothers
...be patient
...be a teacher to those around her
...develop a strong testimony
...learn the gospel
...fulfill all of her commitments
...know who she is
...grow up to be a confident woman
a baby blessing is always such a special, spiritual time. these sweet, innocent babies get to hear from the heavenly father they so very recently left what wonderful things their faithful lives will bring to them and their families and friends. i am always extremely grateful for the priesthood and, more specifically, that mor is a worthy priesthood holder, able to bestow these gifts upon our children.
gretchen wore my blessing dress, bonnet and booties, and i don't think i've ever seen anything more beautiful.
for the record...
mor, gpa mike, david hawley, bart jolley, gary, ben and dave wall, chad duford, adam miner, nate sorensen, bishop berneau were all in the circle.
for the record...
me, mor, finners, jones, gpa mike and gma gloria, georgette, emily and thomas rowley (david had church mtgs, sarah was in missouri with cousins), david and leslie, bart, gary and ellie, amy and sam (shad had to work and kelton had home teaching), ben and brit (eli, blake and griffin), dave and lucy (addie, gavin, hudson and brixton), chad, kam, ruthie and andrew schiess (steve had to work), adam and erin (milo, logan and reagan), nate and bethie, lisha, edmund and anna wood (richard was deployed in romania), bishop berneau were all in attendance.
for the record, gretchen was blessed to...
...be a peacemaker and example to her brothers
...be patient
...be a teacher to those around her
...develop a strong testimony
...learn the gospel
...fulfill all of her commitments
...know who she is
...grow up to be a confident woman
a baby blessing is always such a special, spiritual time. these sweet, innocent babies get to hear from the heavenly father they so very recently left what wonderful things their faithful lives will bring to them and their families and friends. i am always extremely grateful for the priesthood and, more specifically, that mor is a worthy priesthood holder, able to bestow these gifts upon our children.
the aftermath
preface : after 4mo & 11days, the details are getting a bit hazy. i remember the big stuff, but the little things have started to fade (like when exactly the ped came to examine gretchen or when exactly e came back on friday...?). should there be another hawley baby (mor's shaking his head "NO!" to this! haha!), i'll make sure to get everything down much quicker. the little things are a lot of times the sweetest things.
it was pretty cool after gretchen was born because instead of whisking her off to the nursery to bathe her and all that jazz, the nurse kept her in the room with us so we got to be a part of everything. i even got to choose what kind of little bow to put in all of her hair. red and white polkadots, a la minnie mouse. adorable. the nurse was excited to put the bow in all of g's curls. (i wish there was a statistic detailing babies born with hair vs babies born without hair. i know our babies have all had pretty fantastic hair, but it seems like it must be such a rarity based on how many people comment on it.) moving on...g took to nursing like a champ, which was awesome and a relief. however, she also took a shine to spitting up. not normal spitting up either, but weird gagging without breathing spitting up. to say it was unsettling would be a major understatement. i was terrified and would practically slap her back and jiggle her to help her get everything out and start breathing again. mor and i were super tired (apparently waiting around to have a baby will do that to you), so we had the nurse take gretchen to the nursery for a few hours. when they brought her back to us, we were told she had continued to choke and gag and stop breathing and that there had been a little blood in her spit ups. all of us were able to get some sleep that first night, and i felt really good but made sure to stay on top of my pain meds so i would keep feeling really good.
the next morning, e brought the boys to see us. jones climbed right up onto the bed with me and asked to hold the baby; finn kept his distance, just like he did when jonah was born. it was pretty great to have my sister there with my brand new baby. i remember loving on coop literally right after he was born, and now it was my turn to share my little piece of heaven with my sister. (poor ains had to stay in the waiting room. sorry, p!) after they left, i showered. kal was just coming in the door when i was getting out. it was so good to see her and have her love on gretchen. e came back with lunch for mor and "relieved" him of his sit-around-at-the-hospital duty. he took jones home to nap and to get finners from school. brit came to visit. she said something that i kind of loved, that gretchen was familiar to her, that she felt like she knew her already. that brit's a good lady. mor came back sometime later, and his aunt carol, diane and emi stopped by. carol loved getting to send gloria a picture of her with gretchen! ha! we should them a side-by-side of day-old finn (a picture on my phone) and day-old gretchen. at first, they thought it was the same baby, that's how much finn and gretchen looked alike.
*gretchen kept up with the reflux-y stuff all day and night. saturday morning, dr young came to check on us. he came right in and sat down like we were old friends and he was just coming for a chat. he couldn't get over gretchen's hair and cheeks but he esp liked her chubby shoulders. (i really like dr young, btw.) he said i'd most likely be discharged home as soon as the baby was cleared by the pediatrician. when the ped came, he took her to the nursery to check her out. during, she started to do her choking-gags, and it got so bad they recommended we let them basically pump her stomach. not, though. stay with me. same idea, different method. they would flush saline into her stomach to have her throw up it and anything else that was in her stomach. she threw up quite a bit of phlegm and old blood, which was a concern. while g was off having this done, i was packing and getting ready to go home. i was standing up and felt a clot pass. it was such a strange sensation, like i was giving birth again. i got to the bathroom before expelling it and was able to actually catch it in some tissue. it filled the palm of my hand and (as if you aren't already grossed-0ut and gagging enough already) looked very similar to how a brain looks. (gah. i'm sorry.) it was definitely NOT just a clot. the nurse was disturbed by it and had to call dr young to inform him and see what he wanted to do, if anything. it seemed like we were going to be at the hospital forever! but, i was so very grateful all of this was happening while we were there instead of at home without the nurses' and drs' help and expertise. we finally got the all clear with instructions for me to take it extra EXTRA easy and for gretchen to be seen first thing the next week.
we were expecting e, ains and the boys to be there when we got home, but it was pretty nice that we were able to settle in a bit before they got back. ains was excited to finally get to hold the baby, as was jonah. all he wanted to do the first few days after we got home was hold the baby, smooch the baby, check on the baby. any nervousness i had about how he would be around gretchen had been unfounded; he loved her immediately and intensely, and he still does. finn warmed up to her too, and even asked to hold her a few times. e had bought a few things for the house and moved the furniture around a little; she is our mother's daughter! they left sunday, early afternoon. it was so great to have them here, to take care of our hooligan boys** and sniff our sweet new baby girl.
*somewhere in all of this mixed-up timeline, mor gave me and grechen each a blessing. he's a wonderful husband and father and priesthood holder. i really couldn't have handled all of this without him.
**e said she only had 1 rough spot with finn; jonah had been a complete love for the 2 1/2 days we were in the hospital. i think he was extra soft because he and i had never been apart, and it was a new, maybe even scary experience. she told us that ben, who is not a fan of "babies" in the least, was smitten with jones. he snuggled right up to ben and would put his head on his shoulder and was more than content just hanging out with him. tender mercies for my little jones.
it was pretty cool after gretchen was born because instead of whisking her off to the nursery to bathe her and all that jazz, the nurse kept her in the room with us so we got to be a part of everything. i even got to choose what kind of little bow to put in all of her hair. red and white polkadots, a la minnie mouse. adorable. the nurse was excited to put the bow in all of g's curls. (i wish there was a statistic detailing babies born with hair vs babies born without hair. i know our babies have all had pretty fantastic hair, but it seems like it must be such a rarity based on how many people comment on it.) moving on...g took to nursing like a champ, which was awesome and a relief. however, she also took a shine to spitting up. not normal spitting up either, but weird gagging without breathing spitting up. to say it was unsettling would be a major understatement. i was terrified and would practically slap her back and jiggle her to help her get everything out and start breathing again. mor and i were super tired (apparently waiting around to have a baby will do that to you), so we had the nurse take gretchen to the nursery for a few hours. when they brought her back to us, we were told she had continued to choke and gag and stop breathing and that there had been a little blood in her spit ups. all of us were able to get some sleep that first night, and i felt really good but made sure to stay on top of my pain meds so i would keep feeling really good.
the next morning, e brought the boys to see us. jones climbed right up onto the bed with me and asked to hold the baby; finn kept his distance, just like he did when jonah was born. it was pretty great to have my sister there with my brand new baby. i remember loving on coop literally right after he was born, and now it was my turn to share my little piece of heaven with my sister. (poor ains had to stay in the waiting room. sorry, p!) after they left, i showered. kal was just coming in the door when i was getting out. it was so good to see her and have her love on gretchen. e came back with lunch for mor and "relieved" him of his sit-around-at-the-hospital duty. he took jones home to nap and to get finners from school. brit came to visit. she said something that i kind of loved, that gretchen was familiar to her, that she felt like she knew her already. that brit's a good lady. mor came back sometime later, and his aunt carol, diane and emi stopped by. carol loved getting to send gloria a picture of her with gretchen! ha! we should them a side-by-side of day-old finn (a picture on my phone) and day-old gretchen. at first, they thought it was the same baby, that's how much finn and gretchen looked alike.
*gretchen kept up with the reflux-y stuff all day and night. saturday morning, dr young came to check on us. he came right in and sat down like we were old friends and he was just coming for a chat. he couldn't get over gretchen's hair and cheeks but he esp liked her chubby shoulders. (i really like dr young, btw.) he said i'd most likely be discharged home as soon as the baby was cleared by the pediatrician. when the ped came, he took her to the nursery to check her out. during, she started to do her choking-gags, and it got so bad they recommended we let them basically pump her stomach. not, though. stay with me. same idea, different method. they would flush saline into her stomach to have her throw up it and anything else that was in her stomach. she threw up quite a bit of phlegm and old blood, which was a concern. while g was off having this done, i was packing and getting ready to go home. i was standing up and felt a clot pass. it was such a strange sensation, like i was giving birth again. i got to the bathroom before expelling it and was able to actually catch it in some tissue. it filled the palm of my hand and (as if you aren't already grossed-0ut and gagging enough already) looked very similar to how a brain looks. (gah. i'm sorry.) it was definitely NOT just a clot. the nurse was disturbed by it and had to call dr young to inform him and see what he wanted to do, if anything. it seemed like we were going to be at the hospital forever! but, i was so very grateful all of this was happening while we were there instead of at home without the nurses' and drs' help and expertise. we finally got the all clear with instructions for me to take it extra EXTRA easy and for gretchen to be seen first thing the next week.
we were expecting e, ains and the boys to be there when we got home, but it was pretty nice that we were able to settle in a bit before they got back. ains was excited to finally get to hold the baby, as was jonah. all he wanted to do the first few days after we got home was hold the baby, smooch the baby, check on the baby. any nervousness i had about how he would be around gretchen had been unfounded; he loved her immediately and intensely, and he still does. finn warmed up to her too, and even asked to hold her a few times. e had bought a few things for the house and moved the furniture around a little; she is our mother's daughter! they left sunday, early afternoon. it was so great to have them here, to take care of our hooligan boys** and sniff our sweet new baby girl.
*somewhere in all of this mixed-up timeline, mor gave me and grechen each a blessing. he's a wonderful husband and father and priesthood holder. i really couldn't have handled all of this without him.
**e said she only had 1 rough spot with finn; jonah had been a complete love for the 2 1/2 days we were in the hospital. i think he was extra soft because he and i had never been apart, and it was a new, maybe even scary experience. she told us that ben, who is not a fan of "babies" in the least, was smitten with jones. he snuggled right up to ben and would put his head on his shoulder and was more than content just hanging out with him. tender mercies for my little jones.
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